The annoying realization that I’ll never figure it out
I’m making an interlude in between my tarot series to just do a normal blog entry. I honestly don’t know why I’m doing this. I find writing to be tedious and struggle to avoid misspellings and grammar mistakes. I also have no patience to edit what I write to remove them. But I feel this need to express something. I don’t know why. And that’s what I want to talk about: how often we have no idea what we’re doing.
When I was young, I always imagined this time in my life when I would have it all “together.” I didn’t even have a clear picture of what I meant, but a vague notion of a partner, a fulfilling career, and maybe children. But I wanted to feel like I achieved something. I wanted this all to matter. But the older I get the more I realize that I will never stop searching for more. That no matter what I have I won’t ever reach contentment, at least not for long. It’s just the way I’m wired I guess, but honestly I think we all are.
I just recently arrived in Mexico. I’m solo traveling here for a month. And when I arrived I was immediately filled with regret. Here I was alone again. I had chosen Mexico mostly on instinct. There was no major driving force behind my decision to go. I just felt compelled. And it embarrassed me that I was still wandering around without a plan. It made me feel I was immature. I’m also tired of being lonely.
Mural outside of the Mayan World Museum of Mérida
But I know we are all just making the next right decision. Yes, some people have detailed life plans, but we also know that anything can happen. The pandemic proved that. And I’m deciding that it’s okay that I don’t know. And I can always change course if I find myself heading in a direction I don’t like. Very few decisions are irreversible.
Although I started of my trip here in not such a good place, my mood shifted quickly (as it always does). It wasn’t long until I was wandering around appreciating the city. I was grateful for the warmth on my skin, the beauty of the trees in the square, and the kindness of strangers who helped my find my way. And maybe that is enough for now. I don’t know much beyond that.
Trees in the square